Brian’s Brain Droppings
Brian’s Cockamamie Coinages
Ex pede Briulem
(With thanks to Rich Hall.)
AcCATrement
The feline companion considered a must have for your average super villain.
Antice-Indignation
The pleasant feeling of impending self-righteousness.
(My personal take on the publicly used ‘anticipointment’.)
Apolo-jeeze
When you’re not 100% contrite.
ArachnoDance
The wild gesticulations caused by walking through a large spider’s web while walking out to your car on a cool autumn morning.
Ass Gasket
The 0.1 mm of paper standing (lying?) between your precious buttocks and a public toilet seat.
(I don’t claim authorship as this is a long used family saying. We were just that kind of classy.)
Avuncularity
Uncles are the best!
A Well-Seasoned Mug
You say “well-seasoned mug” but I say “A mug used by some wanker too lazy to wash between cups of coffee.
Between multiple cups.
Befundies
To repeatedly put your underwear on backwards or inside out or both. Often, but not limited to, undergarments of an “intimate” nature.
Charapy
Charity as a form of therapy.
Cache-sual Attire
When you keep some clothes or a coat nearby the front door in case someone knocks whilst you’re in your very ratty old evening wear.
Cockrapace
Keeping your thighs firmly together while slowly entering a very hot bath. (Man-specific. [At least I think so.? {see ‘sarcastaside’}.])
Corn Snake Shake
That little ass wiggle you do to encourage that last little stalag-shitte to take the plunge.
Crazy Cat Gentleman
Guys like cats, too.
Digidental
The commonly held belief that there isn’t any dental tool more efficient at excavating food matter from your teeth than your index finger nail; no matter what the the corporate shills from Big Tooth tells you.
Dongle’s Doink
Or in its scientific name:
McDongle’s Wee Doink
That little fwap you give shower heads or bathtub faucet hole to preemptively drain the 15 mL of Fiery Death before it falls onto delicate parts.
Little is known about J.M.W. McDongle other than a single mention in May of 1903 issue of Poodle Breeder’s Monthly: “McDongle. Odd fellow..Or what?”
No serious historical information on the origin of “Doink”.
No, we checked that.
Yes, and that one, too.
You perv.
Dick Move
A delight for the empty-nester Dad; the right to adjust his package when & where ever He Damn Well Feels Like It.
dumbgarees
To be momentarily trapped by your own pants due to your trying to stick a right angled foot down the pant leg. The whole event is over in a moment. Unless victim is observed while so trapped; in which case you will be hearing about it every. &@§$. year.
Emergency Protective Obliviousness
When one gets instantly interested in some mundane object and/or task, thus “missing” the spouse’s embarrassing accident. (Informally known as “Tuna Splat”.)
EternalMicroPeeve
Something which maintains a “Hate it but I just don’t feel like fixing it.” level of irritation and thus, will never go away.
faux-cerity
Okay, I’m full of shit. You know I’m full of shit. I know you know and on but I’m at least going to give a full 21% effort to look contrite. Because I hate you.
Maybe 15%
Fauxmojito
“FO-Mo-he-toe”
A teetotaler’s best friend in any cocktail parties. You’re only missing out on the hangover.
Faux-occupational rage
The extreme discomfort one feels when seeing his or her career portrayed on TV or in movies.
Fictus habitus
(Latin- Fake Habit). Word or Phrase describing habitually doing mundane real world actions: closing windows or drawers, during video game.
Great British Bacon Show
A show 127% more awesomer than those ponces over at Welford Park!
Written By
Brian Hardy
Additional Slur
Research Provided by
T. Keen
Huginnwerk
(Old Norse “Memory Pain”)
hew-gin-verk
The tendency of your brain to replay the memories of all your near-death and/or monumentally stupid actions.
The Brain thinks this is doing the “Self” a favor by reminding it of how fleeting life can be: especially fleeting to real dumb asses.
(The Brain can just shut the eff up.)
Hygleena
HI-gleen-uh
When you invite 2nd tier friends over to eat the mountains of party food left over by the 1st tier crowd at last night’s party.
Conversation is optional. Eating is not.
Hyper-Focused GenerActivity
Either as Primary or Ancillary.
A person’s difficulty in doing nothing, just being still: either physically or mentally. The sufferer, often without conscious intent, will start some HFG; either as the primary activity or ancillary to another, more taxing task. The FigitSpinner is the physical manifestation of HFG.
An affliction generally associated with the HyperActive but is seen in other types of minds.
IC
(Implied Chitchat) You and I need to exchange relevant information. News of my weekend plans or your new dog isn’t needed nor wanted. We’re both slammed right now so how about we just declare an “I See” and move on.
I am Fartacus!
When everyone on the team bus selflessly claims to be the culprit.
I sit ready to assist in your hour of need!
Well maybe, yeah, I gotcher back, bro. Just, you know, after I’m done with chillaxing.
Just Wrought
To be exactly halfway between Too Much Emotion and just not giving a fuck.
Kakonous
Ancient Greek: kakos (evil) and nous (thought)
bad feeling feeling
Culprit/Victim/Jury/Judge are oll one and the same.
(Man thinks to himself), I hope that lil’ brat strikes out.
Oh, wait. That’s not nice. Bad teacher!
…
Or
(Same dumb man thinks to himself.) Geeze, honey, I’m really enjoying your efforts but your head is blocking the TV…..
Yeah, I really am the asshole.
Mamsplaining
When a wife explains painfully simple domestic ideas to her hubby.
You’ll want to turn off the stovetop before you go work outside.
Thank you, dear.
materteral
(muh-TURR-duhr-uhl)
The auntie equivalent to “Avuncular”.
characteristic of an aunt.
It’s a great word! Let’s make this happen, people!
Speaking of…
Mater-terror-al
The great unease felt by clumsy nephews when visiting their aunt’s immaculate and finely furnished home.
Mea Culpulus
An apology which is understood to not be an apology because the ‘transgression’ was really nothing, forget about it but…yeah, hubby best somehow give off contrition vibes.
méllonautos areté
mel-on-ah-tus air-uh-tay
Greek “future self Excellence”
The belief your Future Self will be more interested in listening or watching the 17,000 podcasts and/or YouTube videos in your “Watch Later” file than your Current Self.
Mental Temporal Facies
When you mentally overlay the yearbook photo over the face of the old person who showed up at your high school reunion.
Mezak
The tendency to hum or make little noises during phone conversations when one or both parties is momentarily “off task” by, say, looking up some information.
ADH-Delight
March 2025
Wife enters the kitchen to this scene.
Husband, wearing a ratty T-shirt and bicycle pants, stands at the kitchen counter, singing and be-bopping along to “The Duck Song”, while grading grading papers, and spitting sunflower seeds into a 1/2 full but completely disgusting solo cup.
The Wife’s thought, “Exactly what decision led me to point?”
————————-
April 2025
Wife, in the bathroom, looks into the bedroom to see husband doing low-altitude hopping about while seemingly in a tug of war with his pants. After winning that battle, he looks over to see Wife starring at him; giving him just touch of “The Look”*.
“Probably would have been easier to take my underwear out first.”
…
“Well, I was in a hurry.”
* Brothers, you know of what I speak. The Look that says “I may have married not the brightest man but…” (Actually, there is nothing more to this sentence.)
————————————-
April 2025
Wife enters family room as the Pixar song “Lava” is just finishing on the Echo. Hubby is just about to tell Alexa to repeat when wife speaks up.
“Nope, that song makes me cry. You don’t want to make me cry, do you?”
Hubby knows the correct answer; really the ONLY possible answer and so countermands the Lava song.
At this point, Hubby’s brain knows two things with absolute certainty.
A) He can’t stand silence and so will start to fill it with some sort of sound: either humming or singing. This WILL happen.
B) He has just listened to a song which is both catchy as hell and dangerous to his wellbeing.
This is what is called “a quandary.”
His solution? “Alexa, play “The Duck Song”: a tune guaranteed (sp) to replace any current ear worm.
Wife, for the second time in a month gets to watch her husband swaying and singing “Bah-Bah-BAH! Bah-Bah-B’BAH!”
However confused she might have felt at that moment, she did not cry. Mission Accomplished.
This solution was either inspired genius or stunning stupidity.
You decide.
June 2025
Dumped a large capful of my new morning blend: creamer, protein powder, bone broth, and a new brand of very spicy Mexican hot chocolate, into my coffee mug and hit “Brew”.
Once the coffee is gone, I notice at least a centimeter of delicious sludge at the bottom of the mug. Bottoms up!
However, as the lava flow slowly descends towards my mouth, an unmixed pocket of hot chocolate is unearthed and falls; thus, managing to mace myself in the face.
The one saving grace is that only the cats were there to watch me repeatedly wipe my tearing eyes and blow my nose.
November 2025
Any town, any day.
You ask for information.
The nice person tells you this information.
SOMEHOW, your feet hear the desired information first and immediately start to leave.
Your brain, via input from the ears, says, “Oh, no! Nice Info Person hasn’t finished saying her ONE sentence. Feet, stop!Return to base!”
Entire body gives total effort in keeping face generally towards speaker while simultaneously recalling the over-eager feet.
All this happens in less than a second.
And it happens to me at least once a day. And I hadn’t ever thought about it until this morning at K-P.
Things an ADH’er often thinks:
My Personal Predictive Algorithm has an 87.5% success rate after the first four words. MUST you insist on saying the ENTIRE sentence?
The widely believed but not scientifically proven belief that humans speaking at 1.0 speed sound.a.little…slow..
mousike algos
moos-i-KAY al-gos
Music which was formerly loved but now found repellent due to it being affixed to a particularly devastating event or time in your past.
Off the Talk of My Head
To be very good at talking on a subject you know very little about.
Ohfucond
The time period: an extremely long fraction of a second, between the bodily injury and the brain registering the pain of that injury.
Onesome
The only action most guys are getting these days.
PicoPeeve
(Specific Type of Kakonous)
A pet peeve that annoys you but that you keep to yourself to avoid ridicule.
Mrs.: What’s bugging you?
Mr.: Oh, nothing.
Mrs. Come on.
Mr. Okay, this brand of whipped cream use to be a lot firmer on my coffee.
Mrs. You are such a deva…
PicoSwift
The smallest measurable unit of celebrity. Used exclusively in relation to school teachers; especially those in small communities.
pissoir le dommage
PEES-whar la dom-MAAGE
French term for masculine shame felt when walking into a nearly empty restroom, passed a line of women awaiting for their turn.
(Author Note: Not an actual French term.)
(Authors Further Note: Any idea that there is an inverse sense of male entitlement in the same situation is an anathema to All that is Good in Humanity.)
(Author’s Further Further Note: I’m suspect this situation causes a concomitant sense of feminine outrage.)
Penile Pressure Washing
(male only)
A man’s urge to clean the toilet bowl of any stalagshites left by a previous user.
Stalagshites
Exactly what you think.
Permanent Reset
Euphemism for Alzheimer’s
The Nearly Departed
Another one.
She’s only has the permanent now
Yet another euphemism for Alzheimer’s.
Preflight Pant Pat Down
Before going out into the world, the ritualistic inventory of your cargo pant’s multiple pockets; checking for the following items: keys, wallet, phone, earbuds
Panicked Personal Pant Pat Down
The increasingly frantic though patterned slapping of all of these many, many same pockets, trying to find any of the above mentioned missing items.
Pollex Abscondo
(Latin- Thumb Hidden)
PAL-lux AB-scon-doe
When the cell phone owner instinctively; perhaps even unknowingly, places his or her thumb over the forward facing camera when visiting certain websites.
prosdokia puthmḗn
pro-doke-eah pooth-n
(Ancient Greek)
The pleasant feeling of anticipation of getting to the chocolatety sludge at the bottom of the mug of poorly mixed hot cocoa.
prosdokia puthmḗn kolasis
pro-doke-eah pooth-n cah-lay-sis
(The above plus word for punishment.)
When drinker tilts head back to speed up that chocolatey sludge and accidentally opens a pocket of unmixed cocoa, which then shoots into the mouth, nose, and/or eyes. Gluttony-induced pepper spray.
PseudoTheroi
“th’Roi”
Greek “False Spectator”
When you can recount & quote every second of a movie without ever having actually watched it.
PUAH!
Palm Up And Hanging! Used by the cool kids in Reddit forum discussions.
Pyro-fauxbia
(Say it like the word.)
Inability to see any “Fall/Winter Ambiance” video on YouTube without mentally cataloging all the fire code violations.
A row of lit candles right in front of a roaring fire. That a problem for anyone? Anyone?
RetroReviewRevision
When rewatching an old movie makes all its much newer, previously well-regarded sequels seem kind of lame. “I thought I liked the new Naked Gun until we watched the much, much Leslie Neilson version.
Road to DumbAss-cus
To be going about your normal life when suddenly gobsmacked by an insanely stupid idea which changes your life. For the worse.
Or
Condition somewhat rare but in every case, very stupid. In every way.
Saga Train.
Like Soul Train, but with Vikings dancing shuffling in unison.
Though not a hit when first introduced in the States, Saga has been Iceland’s # 1 show for 48 years running. And Duluth, Minnesota.
Sarcastaside
Writer inserting a comment directly to the reader; usually attempting to share some “witty” thoughts. (Quite the wanker move, eh, Bri?)
Seeing Eye Spouse
The one spouse paying attention to the couples’ route: often while on vacation. SES subtly steers the spouse passed possible hazards The other spouse usually being too distracted by his phone or all the attractions round him,
Oh, these boats don’t have any internal propulsion but depend on the current of the water.
There is a curb coming up, dear.
Wh-?
Sherping The spouse whose only real job is to be a porter for the other spouse during days-long shopping excursions. (The author states categorically that NO particular gender was stated, implied, or even thought of in the above sentence.)
Shitorigami
“Shi-TORI-gamy”
The ancient art of paper folding in order to get the maximum number of wipes.
Shampooger
That little crust of dried shampoo on the end of the bottle’s nozzle.
Sinneslust nackt
German “lust nude”. Atavistic yearning for an inner primal being.
In layman’s terms, just wanting to git nekkid before taking a really big dump.
Sister from another Mister
The feminine equivalent to “Brother From Another Mother”.
Trip Down Agony Lane
Similar to the above in that it’s a recalling of past personal horrid events. The distinction being, they are being retold aloud to an
“extremely”
or
“extremely un”
appreciative audience. Narrator being either the protagonist or his spouse.
N.B. A strong majority of lexicographers contend that the first word is a verb.
Trump Twirl
Adding a bit of water to the nearly empty shampoo bottle and swishing it around in order to get a couple more days of hair washes.
Urienal Sneak
Trying to quietly urinate by aiming for the porcelain above the waterline.
At just the correct angle.
In the dark.
Women just don’t know how much we do for them. We ARE the prize!
“What a Victor”
To be so lazy, one checks the “Recent Orders” section on their Amazon app to see if the arduous journey to the front porch is worth it.
(Named after “Victor”: the slothful murder victim in movie Seven.)
VOO-Sha-DAY
When you’re sure this has never happened before. This, despite your Wife’s assurance that it most certainly has.
(And, no; not THAT.)
ADH-Delight
March 2025
Wife enters the kitchen to this scene.
Husband, wearing a ratty T-shirt and bicycle pants, stands at the kitchen counter, singing and be-bopping along to “The Duck Song”, while grading grading papers, and spitting sunflower seeds into a 1/2 full but completely disgusting solo cup.
The Wife’s thought, “Exactly what decision led me to point?”
————————-
April 2025
Wife, in the bathroom, looks into the bedroom to see husband doing low-altitude hopping about while seemingly in a tug of war with his pants. After winning that battle, he looks over to see Wife starring at him; giving him just touch of “The Look”*.
“Probably would have been easier to take my underwear out first.”
…
“Well, I was in a hurry.”
* Brothers, you know of what I speak. The Look that says “I may have married not the brightest man but…” (Actually, there is nothing more to this sentence.)
————————————-
April 2025
Wife enters family room as the Pixar song “Lava” is just finishing on the Echo. Hubby is just about to tell Alexa to repeat when wife speaks up.
“Nope, that song makes me cry. You don’t want to make me cry, do you?”
Hubby knows the correct answer; really the ONLY possible answer and so countermands the Lava song.
At this point, Hubby’s brain knows two things with absolute certainty.
A) He can’t stand silence and so will start to fill it with some sort of sound: either humming or singing. This WILL happen.
B) He has just listened to a song which is both catchy as hell and dangerous to his wellbeing.
This is what is called “a quandary.”
His solution? “Alexa, play “The Duck Song”: a tune guaranteed (sp) to replace any current ear worm.
Wife, for the second time in a month gets to watch her husband swaying and singing “Bah-Bah-BAH! Bah-Bah-B’BAH!”
However confused she might have felt at that moment, she did not cry. Mission Accomplished.
This solution was either inspired genius or stunning stupidity.
You decide.
June 2025
Dumped a large capful of my new morning blend: creamer, protein powder, bone broth, and a new brand of very spicy Mexican hot chocolate, into my coffee mug and hit “Brew”.
Once the coffee is gone, I notice at least a centimeter of delicious sludge at the bottom of the mug. Bottoms up!
However, as the lava flow slowly descends towards my mouth, an unmixed pocket of hot chocolate is unearthed and falls; thus, managing to mace myself in the face.
The one saving grace is that only the cats were there to watch me repeatedly wipe my tearing eyes and blow my nose.
November 2025
Any town, any day.
You ask for information.
The nice person tells you this information.
SOMEHOW, your feet hear the desired information first and immediately start to leave.
Your brain, via input from the ears, says, “Oh, no! Nice Info Person hasn’t finished saying her ONE sentence. Feet, stop!Return to base!”
Entire body gives total effort in keeping face generally towards speaker while simultaneously recalling the over-eager feet.
All this happens in less than a second.
And it happens to me at least once a day. And I hadn’t ever thought about it until this morning at K-P.
Things an ADH’er often thinks:
My Personal Predictive Algorithm has an 87.5% success rate after the first four words. MUST you insist on saying the ENTIRE sentence?